So, when you’re me you require space. A lot of space. One of the things I often find so funny is the comments people make when they realize how short I am. I’m only like 5’3 max, and it never fails when people see me barefooted they talk about how they just thought I was sooo much taller! LOL And, my comment is always the same, “I have a big personality!” You might think that’s funny, but, it really is the truth. My spirit is HUGE and it superseds my physical apperance. Which is good for an actor to have… Yeah, I’m still a performer. Even when I’m not “performing”, I am still a performer.
In the past, it has been quite a bit of work to become comfortable with myself, my big presence, my big ideas and my big personality. But, I’m there! I really am. And, for all of you who think I’m sooo extroverted, soooo ambitious, sooo powerful, sooo in-your-face… Well…you’re right–to a certain extent. I’m also very introverted. I think… A lot. Maybe too much sometimes, and I analyze things 16 ways ’til Sunday. My favorite thing to analyze??? Me. As well as I know myself, there’s always more to learn. And, I know that I require space. Physical space, mental space, spiritual space… all of it. And, sometimes, I’m not sharing! Which is why it’s very cool that I live alone again–even though sometimes, Azure can crowd me a bit much. Yes! My cat is a bit needy, I spoiled him. He’s a love junkie! LOL But, regardless, the three of them are unlike any cats you’ll ever know. They love…and so, that’s cool.
So here lately, I’ve been encountering a class of girls that are soooo like I was as a teenager, that it’s given me the opprotunity to look back at the path behind me to see how far I’ve come. Big shout out to my frustrated, pretty, sweet, dangerous little angels: Chanel and Kayly!!!! Rock on, Goddessess-in-the-making, may you always rule and always kickass!!!!
As I’ve said, it was quite the task understanding that my version of normal and what was expected and accepted in my sweet little southern town were completely different. I ALWAYS knew, I wasn’t like the other kids. I always knew I wasn’t quite fitting in with everyone else, and that my friends earned me and vice versa.(Another quick shot-out to an ass-kicking libra chick from J’ville: AMY!!!! I will always love you!!!) I always got in trouble for talking in class, being blunt, talking-back and having a very strong opinon. No one ever said, these are the qualities of a leader, a trend-setter, a trail-blazer. Nope, they would have preferred I was a “good little girl”, did what I was told and tap dance for their acceptance, whatever the hell that was. Needless to say, I hated authority, authority figures and became very good at intellectual insults! LOL… Oh wait, that wasn’t supposed to be funny, was it?! LOLOLOLOL… Too bad, it is!
Thing is, because I was more interested in being true to myself, I got stuff that other people had to learn in therapy. Things like: If you don’t like yourself, no one else will! If you change for others, you’ll always be changing and never happy. If you worry about being liked, you’ll never win your own self respect! The one you should love the most is YOU! If you sell yourself out for dollars, the devil will always ask for more—greedy little bastard! Oh…and the devil comes in many disguises–self-doubt being a favorite. So…yeah, I was on guard most of the time… that hasn’t changed much. But, I am happy to say, I’m also very open. Just don’t think I sleep on the smell, look or taste of deception. I DON’T. Regardless if it’s well-meaning, it’s deception: the art of removing the freewill of others to inject your own way. And, that is a NO-NO.
I like fighting…have I ever said that?! Yeah, I do. Why? It’s simple… fighting means you will protect yourself whenever threatened. And, fighting takes many forms: protesting, stating your thoughts and opinons, refusing to be a “yes” person, or a sheep will-fully going to slaughter. I LOVE my fighting spirit. I love my warrior-soul. And, I applaud anyone who embraces that side of themselves. Again… warrior has many meanings. I’m not into being literal much, so…if the shoe fits…
All I know is this… I love the person I came to be. I am thankful for every fight that got me here. And, yeah, I’d do it again. And, I’m happy that I am an example for all the girls fighting to embrace their strong-will, their fighting spirit, their sheer power of being, their intensity… Yeah, those are my girls… I love them, and they are the scary girls that rock, who will one day be the strong women that rule! Oh and if you didn’t know that I rock and rule… Well, I DO! LOLOL! And, no, we don’t do demure. Ick! I just started making friends with pink and yellow. You want demure??? There’d better be a script and some pay involved in that role! Heehee…
Love Peace Happiness N One,
SunDeevah (yes–diva!)

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