You know I’m not nice… I told you that. You know I will bend over backwards to give people enough time and space to figure things out. But, once I figure out, that you’re enjoying your misery, your incessant tail-chasing, reciting your excuses like a mantra. Once, it becomes crystal clear to me that your neurosis(es) are being made priority over health and sanity, and your maintaining of it is more important than our relationship… Dude…I gotta go! I don’t want to live on the fringes of anyone’s life, and I don’t want them on mine.
Anyone who deals with me… You know that I’m clear about what I want. If it’s a job, I’m clear about what I want, and also make sure, I’m clear on what is expected of me. If its friendship, I’m clear on my standards of friendship, and…I expect the same in return. In relationships… well… it’s the same as everything else… I’m clear as to what I want and what I can offer.
So… when my tolerance, understanding and patience goes SNAP! No one should be surprised. What do I want then? I want you to LEAVE! No, seriously…I want you to LEAVE. If you let someone hang on by a thread in your life, they’ll do it…FOREVER! They will live in your periphery, being a distraction to your staying focused on what’s right infront of you. And, personally, I don’t want people in my periphery. I want mountains, beaches with waves, I want redwood trees, I want faires, elementals, elves, angels. I want a ballet, a circus, mermaids and mermen, aliens…anything, but…PEOPLE! I do not want anyone on the sidelines who’s demanding some of my attention, knowing perfectly well, that they are absolutely TERRIFIED of coming front and center.
Maybe some people like their lives on the sidelines. Maybe its safe for them knowing that they can count on the outcome of events in their lives. Maybe its just too much to fathom that they can be front and center, and the star of their own show. Or, the co-star of their lives with someone. If that’s the case… okay, cool. Go do that…AWAY FROM ME. I am not affraid to live my life like I mean it! I don’t believe in wasting any moment of this life experience, or faking it, or playing it safe. I want to make memories that I can look forward to recalling in old age! I want to say I LOVED someone or something, with every cell of my being–with every lobe of my brain! I want to say that when I cried about something…I cried enough tears to grow a rose garden! I’m not half-assing any of this for anyone! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
Fine…I’m an actor, I’m supposed to express feelings to the fullest. Well, last time I checked it was the job of the actor to reflect HUMANS back to themselves. So, why do I constantly find myself on the subway wondering why the hell I’m surrounded by ZOMBIES?! People are numb. Which has to be a by product from the constant practice and perpetuation of “Not-feeling”. Uh…it’s working… you’ve all become more and more detatched from yourselves and one another. Congratulations! If you keep up the good work, we’ll all become a species of androids as opposed to humanoids! NOT ME!
I’m not playing… I have not interest in playing… In fact, I don’t even want to watch! Thus my tv spends more time off than on. I love the people in my life so much. The ones who want to be here, are awesome. And, I get new offers to broaden my scope of relationships of all kinds all the time. And, I’m grateful for the opprotunity. I’m grateful to anyone who wants to include me in their life story. My friend Diana says I’m scary… Okay, not just her… a lot of people! LMAO! But, like I told my friend Marek the other day… once you get used to the intial shock of scary (read: intimidating), you realize, that I’m much more than you expected. And, you just might want to keep me! Is that the norm? Um…no. Yes? Actually, I don’t know. I just know Monica isn’t for the weak. And, she’s not for the timid either. LOL… I have no desire to take up space where there is none in people’s lives. And, rest assured, if there’s no space in my life for you (this is a rarity, but, has happened), I won’t leave you there on the sidelines hoping you’ll someday get my full attention. That’s inhumane. That’s like abandoning your puppy on the porch as you’re moving away. The puppy thinks you’re coming back, but, you NEVER do! Ick!
I’ve just had enough with the games people play with one another… I’m tired. And, I’ve been that way for a while. Being adult shouldn’t mean being manipulative, or manipulated. It shouldn’t be a game of trivia pursuit where you’re trying to figure out the meaning underneath the senseless, vague words spoken to you by someone who really doesn’t want you to understand them. Adulthood shouldn’t be some sort of attempt to seem “detatched” in a situation that requires you to be “present”. People play games with themselves and eachother all the time, and then don’t understand why they are constantly on the losing end of that game?! Wow… Where did all the courage go? When did fear become the norm? When did feeling become taboo? When did asking what for what you really want become a weak stance? The art of war, should be called the art of misery! Machivelli was an insecure asshole! Anyone being ruled by fear, or with fear has lost themselves along the way. Do you think they’ll ever go back to recover themselves? I don’t know. That’s a personal choice. All I know is, I’m no one’s enabler. So people in the periphery…its curtains for you. Shows over… goodnight. This audience member thinks the making of her show, is more important than watching yours. And, um…one less audience member won’t get mine pulled from the airwaves either. Peace.
Love Peace Happiness N One,