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The NYC subway is a microcosm within a microcosm. And, no two train rides are a like. On the way home today, I had some interesting experiences. First…it was when the duwop group on the train, literally had me take off my headphones just to say, “Hi” to me. Now, to be clear, most times, I’ll listen to the duwop groups (we have a lot of them), or the marriachi bands (we have a lot them), I’ll watch the breakdancing kids (we have a lot of them), or… NYC is always looking to both entertain you, and get paid. 😉  By the way, I did exchange pleasant “hellos” and “goodbyes” with the duwop group. There’s just something about me, that sometimes…people want to make sure I’ve noticed them, and that I’ve acknowledged them. Most times, I don’t mind, and sometimes…I really do want to be left alone.
Another thing I noticed today, is the majority of us patrons on our normally over-crowded aluminum limosene aka the subway, were sporting headphones and tunning out to the world. I used to not listen to my music so much, but, sometimes…I really do need to not have to deal with people. So, heres the trade off, you don’t get to hear people say they need to get off the train, so, I got moved out of the way with a wrist today, and an extremely wide hip. And, I have wide hips, but…umm…she had me beat by quite a few inches. All these things I took in stride, meaning: I chose to breathe it out, because I really do not like people unnecessarily touching me in any  manner. But, this last thing… that really was the last straw.
As I was standing on the train, all of a sudden the door in between the cars opens, and there’s this woma with a WALKER (!), asking people to hold the doors open so she could get through. First of all, NYC has made it illegal for you to ride in between cars while the train is in motion, as you could fall. So, it was really odd that this woman would do such a thing with a walker. After getting in safely, she then tells us how she needs to get through the croweded subway car, with her walker! Okay, now, people were pissed. I know I was… Wait–wait, before you wonder why I got pissed at the woman, I should tell you–she was as high as the moon! This lady was obviously high on heroin pushing this walker around, unable to hold herself up, her eyes barely able to stay open, and slurring to the point she was barely understandable. And, here she was, asking the entire train to make way for her. When she got to me, she could see I wasn’t happy with her, and she says, “Please don’t be angry with me.” Now, mind you, at this point, we’re all huddled up against the sides of the walls of the train, trying to let her through. All, I could get out –as I was breathing deeply–was, “Just go ahead.” Again, she says, “Please, don’t be angry with me.” Here’s the thing, once she got to the center of the car, she starts screaming and crying about how she needs money to see her family, and so on and so forth, but, in between there would be dramatic pauses as she would start passing out from the high she was clearly on… And, then she’d catch herself and start the screaming thing all over again.
As I watched all of this, I was horrified. I just stood there watching all these people either shake their heads like I was, or, not paying attention at all, or trying like hell not to. Breathing–I was breathing, trying desperately not to cry. But, I really wanted to. I wanted to cry and scream, and smack her repeatedly for doing this to herself. This woman is going on and on about how she hasn’t seen her family in months, and had gone through great pains to make us all notice her, to feel sorry for her, to give her money… All, I was thinking was, “You haven’t seen your family because you chose the drugs over them. Whatever pain you experienced, that first made you use, had warped every aspect of life, the world and reality for you. And, now–now you want us to help keep you there?!” And, then say, “Please don’t get angry with me?!” Mind you–I’m not angry… I’m hurt. I’m sad that when we screw ourselves up, we expect other people to come bail us out, or “help” us out when we have no desire to help ourselves.
There’s sooo many pitfalls in life, there’s sooo many ways to lose yourself. And, if that’s what you want, so be it, as no one can really stop you. But, I’m not helping you kill yourself, either. Everyday in my neighborhood, on the train, in an office, a club, anywhere, everywhere; I can see people trying to lose themselves, to make the pain go away. And, you know what? It never does. The pain doesn’t go away, but, you might if you don’t deal with it. I suppose some people would be angry with the souls that don’t care enough about themselves to do what’s best, what’s healthy, what’s in love. But, I’m not angry…I’m sad, I’m hurt. I’m sad when people choose death over life, and act as if they never had a choice at all. You do have a choice–we always do. Happiness, health, love, forgiveness, healing…those are all choices. Perhaps easier said than done, but, more than worth the effort.
Love Peace Happiness N One,
Sundeevah