So this weekend thing is closing soon. And, I’m tired this evening…
Around this time of the year, I always feel the winds of change coming in my love life. Once upon a time, I’d go with the wind as it blew a new lover, boyfriend or something like that into my life. But, this time… I’m just not feeling it. That, and I’m simply not interested in what others are looking for anymore.
I’m not easy. There, I said it. I’ve actually said it before, but, I’ll restate it for those who don’t know. It’s not enough to be pretty to look at for a person like me. It’s not enough, to be charismatic. I’ll be honest. Pretty, charming and all that superficial crap died when I fell in love for the first time a really long time ago. I married that guy, yes, I divorced him too, but, that’s besides the point. I married for all the reasons you’re supposed to. And, even though it didn’t work out. I took all the lessons with me. And, I am still learning.
So…to put it sweetly, don’t let the vessel of my soul fool you. Though I like pretty things, I prefer they have depth. So…what am I into? Smart people–people with something to say. I’m into guys who think, read and have a since of honor. And, oh yeah…who can hold their own in a conversation. Guys who care about what’s going on in the world, their hood, their family. But, most importantly, guys who understand that being emotionally available isn’t an option, but, a requirement. I know… it’s a lot. But, it’s who I am. And, I’m not settling. People will settle out of a fear of being alone, and never having someone to call their own. And, well, I don’t know that, that’s ever been me… But, it most certainly isn’t now.
My mom and I were talking yesterday, and she said, that she raised us all to be independent, free-spirited people. And, I think she’s correct. I am free-spirited. I don’t like feeling like I’m on lock-down. I don’t need to belong to anyone, or vice versa. I want the person to be in my life, because that’s what they choose. To me, that speaks volumes, a lot more than rings and things…
So, yeah…I’m being chased by winds and dudes, and well, the ego doesn’t find it as amusing as she once did. In fact, it’s all but annoying. Again, I’m not easy, so, if you don’t have the fundamentals figured out about yourself, a mere hour with me can make that very apparent, not to mention uncomfortable–for both of us. How do you say in a nice way, “Um…you don’t read, and your looks don’t transcend that.”? I was telling my yoga teacher Molly, that for women who are serious about what they want, it’s like sitting in a restaurant and you’ve ordered a filet mignon, but, the waiter keeps bringing you cheeseburgers. And, you’re like, “I didn’t order a fucking cheeseburger, I ordered a filet mignon!” So, you sit there waiting and waiting, constantly deciding whether or not to give into the cheeseburger, because apparently that’s all they’ve got and you’re starving–even though the filet mignon was on the menu. My truth: I’m on a hunger strike. Bring me my filet mignon, or I’ll just live off the water and complimentary bread. Or, hell, I may not eat at all, because I’m not eating a cheeseburger, when I KNOW WHAT I ORDERED! Like Jay-Z says, “No substitues…” I’m just not having it.
Love Peace Happiness N One,