Wow…I’ve had an amazing week, that started with last Saturday, a great meditation and a removal of a block. We all have things in our lives that make us a little wary, a little apprehensive and have underlying thoughts that may be self-destructive. And, I removed mine on Saturday morning! OMG!!!!! In fact, I did it right before a counseling (pyschic, not therapy) session I’d scheduled, that when I got there I’d learned it had been mysteriously scheduled for tomorrow. Hmm… I don’t think so, I’d never schedule something that far in advance. So, I realized, I had already done what needed to be done, so, I didn’t need any guidiance of the human variety.
Do you know how amazingly scary that was–to remove that block?! Do you know how nekked I felt without the fear of failure/success swimming around in my subconscience? Okay, where did that fear come from. Um…unfortunately…my mama. I love my mom…I really do, but, her method of advice usually comes as reverse psychology. And, well, as a kid…you never know what kind of fears you’ll pick up from your parents. And, for me, I picked up fear of failure from my mom… She missed a lot of opprotunities in life because she was too scared to fail, so a lot of things, she never bothered trying. And, the fear of success??? Oh, um her too! Sorry mom, but, it’s true. My mom would constantly warn me against trying to get through life based on my looks. Yeah, um, my looks have been a huge subject for other people when it comes to me my entire life. Funny how its always been more important to others than it has to me. Apparently, there’s something wrong with acknowledging the gifts bestowed upon you when your parents, had a great time getting you here! And, so, I’d be annoyed when all people had to talk to me about was the way I looked. It was apparent, they either thought they had me all figured out, or that I must not have anything deep going on, because of their perception of what being attractive means. I developed an attitude about being treated so insignificantly–that and some other family issues. So…the messages I was being given were, “Don’t bother trying anything, because you will probably fail.” “And, you don’t deserve to be successful, beause you’re already pretty.” And, seriously…I fought those fears really hard for most of my life. And, on the real, I thought I had resolved it. Yet, my life still wasn’t reflecting it in the way I wanted.
So…there I am, Saturday morning, and as soon as I wake up, that’s what the light tribe wants to discuss. “What are you seeking counseling about?” And, I had to ask myself and be honest. And, there they were, my dark-mini me(s), failure and success wearing a suit of fear. And, before I even got out of the bed, I said, “Yeah… I’m tired of you guys. I’m letting you go.” I mean, really, why should I fear failure? Failure happens when you stop trying! And, I–I never stop trying–in fact, I don’t try–I do, because Master Yoda says there is nothing else. And, dude…I am a Jedi Knight! 😉 And, success??? Now, why the hell should I fear that?! There is absolutely nothing wrong with be being gorgeous both inside and out! There is nothing wrong with me being so freaking happy that I’m contagious (and those who know me, know I am)! And, there’s nothing wrong with me being beautiful, happy and successful at whatever I put my energy into. And, I let the guilt of knowing that I can have and do whatever I choose go! Sure, I felt guilty. Dude… my entire life, I knew that I knew things others aren’t aware of. I knew that I could have and be anything, despite what everyone else said. And, now…I live it. And, on Saturday…I decided to turn the volume up full blast!
So…I’m sorry for those of you who are unaware of you own magnificence. I’m sorry for all of you that allow someone else to not only tell you who you are, but, you believe them and act accordingly. I’m sorry that every being on this planet, doesn’t understand that their will, their minds, their strength and ability to show courage in the face of fear is why life never seems like its going “right” for you. I’m sorry all of you who want someone else to be responsible for you, when you just can’t seem to get it together, make it right, or get it done. It’s not THEM, its YOU. It’s always YOU. You cannot be hurt, unless you believe the lies of the person trying to hurt you. And, if what they are saying hurts your feelings, but, is the truth–they aren’t trying to hurt you at all, but, HELP you–RECOGNIZE the difference and be adult about it, and grow from it.
In buddhism, there’s a lot of talk regarding levels of consciousness, and, I understand, I’m in a different headspace than most people. And, while some would like to make me feel awkward for waking up everyday and choosing happiness, and would love for me to dim my light a bit– um…yeah…NOT DOING IT! Why would I want to be something other than happy?! Why would I want to be something other than on a journey of growth! Why wouldn’t I want to be the only person in my subway car on a Monday morning with a smile on my face, in a sea of miserable, stressed-out people?! And, you think I’m crazy???!!!! LOL… If I am, I vow to never be sane again, it makes for a horrible life-experience as far as I can tell. And, um…no, I’m not alone…I am one of those people John Lennon told you to imagine existed. Wake up! It’s all inside.
Love Peace Happiness N One,
SunDeevah
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