I gotta talk about this as it seems to be a reoccuring issue in people’s lives. And, that’s knowing when your relationship is over. Relationships, are hard work, even when they are good ones, but, when they aren’t and you stay in them anyway, they can be… well, let’s just tell it like it is: HELL!
As I’ve stated before, I have been married. And, for quite a long time our relationship and marriage thereafter was really good. But, there were issues in it that were addressed, but, never resolved. I think the most important thing I learned was: If only one of you is willing to work, you’re done! And, that sometimes its not that you need the person to change, so much as you are no longer compatiable with that person. And, that realization in itself can be a painful one. It was for me at least, but, recognizing it, dealing with it ( I had to go to therapy for a while), and ending the relationship was what was best for myself and my partner at the time. I think if you really love someone and you see that together you’re going down the tubes, you’ve got to be the bigger person and end it.
I’ve noticed that a lot of people have a hard time leaving relationships, long after they are over. You don’t want to be with them, and, to avoid being the person who does the break-up, you start behaving in a way that will make them go away. Now, in the past, I’ve known some guys where that method has worked (I wish I could say woment too, but, I don’t know any who take that route). But, here’s the thing: What if it doesn’t? What if she is sooo weak, so insecure, so desperate that she stays no matter how much of asshole you become? See…that concerns me. Why? Because, if you’re the type of person who can’t just say, “Look, I don’t want to do this anymore, I’m sorry.” You run the risk of becoming passive agressive, and worst-case scenario…agressive. And, that can run the gambut anywhere from snide remarks, to critcism, to the witholding of affection, sex, or becoming both physically and emotionally unavialable. And, then hell becomes the norm, and misery becomes the astmosphere, and you start hating eachother.
Yes, to a certain extent, I speak from experience. In a marriage and some relationships, its hard to wrap your head and heart around that no matter what you’ve tried, its over. But, seriously, you have to be an adult, look at the big picture, and see who’s suffering from the sham your relationship has become. Is it you? Is it them? Your kids? Your friends? Your family? And, that kind of poison isn’t the type that can be isolated to your home life. It takes over everything! We forget who we are, what we love, and what we are capable of accomplishing. And, the world, in our view becomes a dismal, dark, torture chamber that we never seem to be able to escape. Dreams? What are those?! The dream becomes breathing a true and real breath. The dream becomes smelling freedom. The dream becomes being the person you meant to be, not the inmate in this prison that your relationship has become! The dream becomes getting you and your life back. And, where the hell did it go anyway?! How did you lose it and not notice?!
When we stay in a relationship because we can’t be the bad-guy, the failure, or for the kids, we’re no longer healthy. And, neither is the relationship. What should’ve been based on love, is now based on fear, and has become co-dependency. And, you know the thing about co-dependent relationships is: one person thinks that the other will fall apart without them. And, the other really feels like they will fall apart without their partner. And, the truth is: neither is true! Boy did I have a time unlearning that one! –I had a caretaker complex.
A relationship, is the third entity built from two individuals. We are not completing eachother, we are co-existing, complimenting, and creating a new thing together. We are not: abosorbing eachother. Falling in love, doesn’t mean falling into someone. It doesn’t mean compromising your very essence. That is a dangerous game! And, the damage can be severe for everyone involved.
If it’s been over for months or years, and you’re still there…you’re in a lie. And, everyone there knows it–admiting it, well, that’s a whole ‘nother blog! So, while everyone can still be kind, compassionate, and civil…FOLD! So, that everyone can get started on the recovery. Life has so much to offer us, why would you want to waste a second of it, by being a ghost in yours? Sometimes, the right thing to do, is the most painful, but, not doing it can turn you into someone you neither recognize nor like. And, that’s always tragic.
Love Peace Happiness N One,