Once upon a time, I had a bleeding heart for people who’d been damaged in their youth, by other people. When were children and vulnerable, a lot could go wrong, or right, or wrong… And, everything seemed to have a major impact, even if we don’t realize it for many years later. I could empathize with them because of my own family, and having the youngest years of life marred by domestic violence. Parts of which, I still don’t remember. And, of course there’s other things: hurt feelings, arguments, fights, misunderstandings, etc…
But, now…now, it’s different.
Now, I’m 36–I am an adult, and years ago chose not to be a victim of my past forever. And, the longer I live, the more I can no longer look the other way while other people act-out their hurts, for things that happened to them decades ago. The moment you figure out there’s something “wrong”, or, that you are still hurting about something that was done to you as a child–is when it becomes your responsibility to heal yourself. Yours, not mine, not your friends, not complete strangers on the street, or, the world–YOURS. Acting out is what children do when they don’t have the words, or, the safe space to speak and act on their truth. Adults have the option and choices to use words, and to find a safe space for them to be themselves. Meaning: At some point in time we MUST STOP being the victim, playing the victim and acting like a victim.
I’m saying this for two reasons: 1. If you ever want happiness, you must HEAL every slight, hurt, horror, and painful experience that is keeping you away from it. 2. The ENTIRE WORLD isn’t responsible for making it “okay” for you to be here. Nor, will it twist and turn it self to do such a thing. Yet, there are these people who are walking around hurting, hurting all the time, thinking that the rest of us should treat them a certain way because they are hurting.
This isn’t me telling you just “get over it”, nor am I saying “forget it”. I’m saying that it will not go away, until you work through it. And, only you can do that work. The rest of us, can only wish you well and hope for the best for you. We cannot heal your pain, make you forget, or make you “okay” if you aren’t–it’s all you. And, if you do not want to heal, but, continue to hurt–the truth is some people, myself being one of them, cannot and will not support your remaining in the clutches of your past and all the pain that goes with it.
People in pain, only speak pain, unless they make another choice. Whether its abuse with words, with hands, or weapons… The ones that hurt, are often hurting themselves, and choose to spread that hurt by hurting another. And, often times that is someone innocent of any wrong-doing. But, if the victim does not find a way to heal that pain, then, they too learn the language of pain, and spread it. Is it not obvious how dangerous this can be to everyone?
When pain is your only language, things like happiness can be threatening. Love can hurt, because it doesn’t make sense, it’s foreign. And, when you’ve only known pain, any nice gestures by someone who cares rather than hurts, are painful in their sweetness. It can throw everything you thought you knew about life into a disarray. Pain unhealed, can make love seem like an enemy. It can be as simple as the inability to take a compliment because you’re not used to them–to, the inability to love and be loved because you’ve only known hurt, pain, and misery.
For me, I knew at 17, I didn’t want to spend my life hurt, and angry over what I saw as a child. I wanted to be happy. I wanted more for myself. And, I would say that–that pursuit was the bulk of my teenage years, and early adulthood. I just decided, there was no way I was going to be unhappy. There was no way, I was going to let the hurtful, painful and sometimes incomprehensible actions of others define me. It was a struggle, a real struggle at times…but, I got there. And, I truly believe that when you decide that you will be happy no matter what, and, really do the work, then happiness is exactly what you’ll get.
When as an adult, you realize that you haven’t healed from your past–that it still haunts you, hurts you and defines you in your own eyes–when you don’t deal with it–you’re giving away your happiness, to the person in your past who’s hurt you. They’ve won, they’ve taken their hurt, and pain and planted it within you and it’s taken root. It can now spread, consuming your life, and whomever chooses to be close to you. But, it is no longer they that waters this garden of misery, but, you…each day you don’t confront it, each day you don’t heal it–you water the garden of misery.
We say we want peace on this planet. But, there are all these souls who are willing trapped in their own misery. How can there be peace for the world, when not every individual is choosing peace for themselves? There cannot. My heart–it no longer bleeds for those who exercise their free will in this manner. While I can have compassion, and I do– I also know that pain and hurt is part of being human, as is choice. It is a choice to carry the pain and hurt of yesterday, as it is also a choice, to heal the pain. –To allow for happiness to be the language you choose to speak, and peace the space, in which you choose to live.
Love Peace Happiness N One,