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I don’t know if I can explain this in a way that everyone will “get”, but, I feel compelled to do so.
I talk… A lot. And, I’m pretty communicative. I’ve met and have known a lot of people in my life thus far. And, I’m pretty open to new ideas, ways of seeing, and ways of being. I’m all for it, as long as it doesn’t ask me to compromise myself. Then and only then, will I do the other thing that I’m frighteningly good at. And, that’s not talk.
My exhusband used to say that I cut people off in an almost business like manner. And, well, I disagree. The truth of the matter is, we all decided countless times a day who we are going to be in a given moment, and how we’re going to treat ourselves and one another. Whether we are conscious of it or not, it is how we operate. And, me??? I’m not good at being a victim, punching bag, whipping boy, or anything of the sort. I’m not cut out for it. And, given the lack of respect, honor and appreciation those people receive, don’t look for me to change my mind…EVER.
I’m a team player, I work on myself, I work on my relationships with people. I will always do my part, because that’s who I am. But, when I find myself repeating the same issues I have with whomever, or whatever… I gotta bounce. Why? Because people don’t change for other people, they change for themselves. And, that is how it is. And, no matter how powerful I think I am in my own little pixel of life–it’s only my pixel. You do not have to change on my account. But, I don’t have to keep you in my life, either. Does that make sense?
I think there’s a HUGE misconception that things like tradition, family ties and shared memories entitles us to mistreat one another, with the expectation that the person offended will just take it. Why? Because they love us, or they are bonded to us by blood, or whatever? And, I have to say… this is twisted logic. In any situation where someone is constantly mistreating someone they say they care about, and that person is allowing the mistreatment to continue, means the relationship is abusive. Period. No… Do not try an explain it away. Abuse doesn’t necessarily mean hitting. It can be yelling, belittling, undermining of self-esteem, co-dependency, etc. And, as a child where domestic abuse was present, not to mention emotional abuse… I know it when I see it. And, I leave.
Other things that will cause me to be silent is watching someone self-destruct. I cannot hang out for that one, either. As scary as some people may think I am, I am very sensitive to other people’s pain, be it, physical, mental or emotional. And, I will do my best to be a good friend to that person. But, even that has its breaking point. And, that point comes when it becomes clear that my friend doesn’t want to get any better. This will sound harsh but, when someone is in pain, the last thing they want to do is be around happy people. They want to be around people who can relate, or share in their pain. Misery wants it’s company. And, that isn’t me. This is a choice of freewill to remain unhappy, in pain, be a victim, and if its your decision, I will honor that in you. But, I won’t hang around for it.
There are people that were in my life that are no longer here. Some I allowed to fade away, and others I just walked out of the situation all together. But, I can tell you this, each person that I no longer communicate with knows exactly why I no longer talk to them. At the end of the day, I have to do what’s best for my sanity, my peace of mind, and maintain the highest status for my spirit. As I am the only one responsible for me. And, my health has to come before all others. Some might think that makes me selfish, and my answer to that is: Nope…that makes me healthy. And, if you don’t believe me, check my eyes, they don’t lie.
Love Peace Happiness N One,
SunDeevah