My mom is going to be so depressed…. I don’t know about this serious relationship thing ever again. As I get older, the clarity that I understand myself with gets sharper and shaper. And, at 31, my interest in men have not waned so much as gotten more precise. And, I have to tell you–I’d rather look at them more than talk to them.
Seriously, why don’t people read more? Why don’t they have interest beyond the instant gratifaction that is sex? Which by the way is boring if that’s all you have to offer me. Offer, me? Did I just say that? Why…yes, I did. I know how I come off to other people and well, I’m being honest. My friend J.W. said to me that I let people know where they stand with me. And, I believe that’s true. It’s not that I don’t like people, in fact, it’s quite the contrary. It’s just I have no time for small talk, bullshit, or some dude, who really thinks that I get dressed for his amusement! LOL I’m so much better with the staring, whistles and other stuff. In fact, I’ve gotten quite generous in my respones. Stares, get stares and small smiles. Whistles get glances and the other stuff? Well, as long as you don’t touch me, I’ll only be a witty smartass, as opposed to a vicious one. Today, I was sitting at the window of a diner and some dude passed by staring at my cleavage. I looked him in the eye and shook my head no–it’s not for you!
Then who, one might ask, am I for? My answer to that is: “I KNOW already.” He exists…truly he does. Somewhere…underdeveloped, needing to grow into himself. I used to think that maybe I’d go into old age with torrid love affairs to brag about, but, I doubt it. I covered so much ground both pre and post marriage. And, marriage was an entity unto itself! So, gosh…I did all the wildoat sewing thing. Very well, I might add. And, now that I’m so busy doing other things, it would take something HUGE to make me slow down. Did you see that, the part where I said “make me”? It would have to be an undeniable kind of thing like…”Okay, it’s not going away, so, that means I should probably do it.” Heehee. But, even still, I’d have to be in a situation with a counterpart, who’s prepared for that sort of thing. And, well, folks…it hasn’t happened yet. What lingers is a “somthing” I have with a “someone” who isn’t willing to just let it be. But, would rather run like hell in the opposite direction. LOL It’s okay, I tend to have that effect on some people! I’m used to it.
I am the scary-girl/ strong-woman, who won’t settle for anything less than my equal. And, that is a lot easier than it sounds. For, what is my equal but, a person who is what they define themselves to be, without fear of rejection and repremand from those outside of themselves? Sadly, it has become apparent, that what I seek is a lot to ask for, why with so many people settling all over the place, like it’s cool! And, the lingering “something” with “someone”–I have no intention of helping him. Does it matter that I love this person? Honsestly? Nope. Still, he must be his own person and I must be my own person.
Question: What is it like to know something belongs to you, and you can not grow yourself enough to reach it? What is it like to want something, have it given to you, but, you have no courage to take it? Honestly…I wouldn’t know. I tend to do things regardless of whether or not they scare me. It’s the warriors way.
So, my walk with the wolves continues, and I’m not looking back.
Love Peace Happiness N One,
SunDeevah
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