Have you ever gotten that feeling in your life, that you’re trying to fight a tidal wave? What I mean is, have you ever had this one aspect of your life where you feel like you’re always trying to keep something under control, under wraps, in line…and, it’s this constant battle that you find exhausting?? I would say that is what most of my youth was like. I felt like I was always working against “something”. Some invisible foe, that was trying to ruin all the wonderful things I needed to accomplish in my life. I had to be vigilant about…well…everything! Things had to go a “certain” way. I was not happy unless I got what I wanted, the way I wanted, and who I wanted it from. In short: an idealized version of perfection.
But, oh…I’m so much older and wiser now. I figured out who this invisible foe was–surprise, surprise, it was me. You knew I was going to say that, right? The thing is, we tend to measure ourselves by someone elses’ measuring stick, or tape. And, never take the time to say, “Hey, do I even want to do this?? Is this making me happy?” And, thus, we fight ourselves. I thought I wanted to be someone I’m so clearly not. And, therefore the true me, who tends to carve paths, rather than walk them, was kinda well…pissed off! It was horrible, there was a lot of stress, crying–running around, grinding, hustling, only to realize–I hadn’t left square one. Can you imagine?? You’re working your ass off for this idealization of who you’re supposed to be, and what your life is supposed to be like only to find out–you got NOWHERE!
And, then one day, something very magical happened. I got tired! I got tired of trying to be someone I wasn’t, or having a life that wasn’t mine! And, when I surrendered to the fact, I had NO CLUE as to what I truly wanted–I figured it out. And, then, I started to change, my life became easier, and my true self had a voice to speak with. We’re very close now, myself and I. And, we don’t let any one’s opinions of me, become my definitions of myself. Who I am, is who I choose to be. And, the choice comes from the ingredients that are already there. I can make things happen, and you know what?? It always turns out better than I could imagine it because I allow the magic, mystery and beauty of the unknown to help me.
I wonder, if we knew that truth in every form, could be a great ally, if you work with it– would we be so resistant? Sure, that means, you’ll end that pointless relationship before your heart is broken. Or, you’ll walk away from the dead-end job before you hit the dead-end. But, isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it a good thing to know and live the truth, before it crushes you like a tidal wave?? In my experience–yes, yes, and by the way…hell yeah! 😉
It’s like anything in life–you are your own formula. You have certain ingredients that make up you, you can add, you can take away, but, certain things aren’t going to change. For example: I am no shrinking violet. I’ve never been shy. If I’m not talking, I’m either not interested, or enraged–in both cases, I’m either leaving, or thinking about it. I do not like passive aggressive behavior, and will call it out. These things are part of my hard-wiring. While my reaction to situations may change, my like or dislike to them probably won’t.
Now, that’s me, but, what about you? What are truth about yourself are you in denial of? What aspect of yourself are you fighting every moment of everyday, so that you can hide it? Is it exhausting you, making you sick, causing you pain? Has it ever occurred to you, you could just–let go? So many of our self-destructive tendencies, hide a simple truth, just fighting to be heard, and possibly healed. And, like any wound, if it doesn’t get the proper care, it festers and takes the entire body with it. Truth makes a terrible foe, as it really does have the last say, and always wins.
You will be who you are meant to be (Que sera, sera). Do you get that? Whether you like it or not, who you are, will be seen and heard, even if it costs you every fantasy, fallacy, or straight-up lie you’ve used to hide it. So, while the wave is small enough to jump over, or through, or surf along–do so. Be who you are with grace, and honor, before the ugly version of truth wrecks the place. It does happen, it will happen, because that’s the formula of the universe we live in. Work with it–work with yourself and prosper. And, be who already are.
Love Peace Happiness N One,