I’ve thrown away my running shoes, heehee! My youth, was spent in a cross country race. The country: Monica. There was so many things, I was running from, thinking I was running to something.
I come from a small town, a small-thinking family and the fear-of-God south! And, my younger years we’re spent meticulously creating a plan of escape. And, then carving a life for myself that would be lived upon college graduation. I got–all of it. From the degree from one of the most prestigious schools in the country, the the husband by age 23. I got, acting gigs, pretty headshots, voice lessons, guitar lessons, friends, family, all of it. Yet…I wanted more, because what I had wasn’t filling this void. The void that said, there was more. I was more, I could do more. It was hard, running– running from the soundless voice that said, “Nope–more. Uh uh…more! Still—MORE!” So, finally, I stopped and figured out what the hell, this thing was! The thing that I was running from, was fear. Fear of not making it, not being successful, not crossing off every goal on my goal list. Oh yeah, there was a goal list– I think it’s still on the mirror in my old bedroom at my mom’s house. –She likes keeping it there. I was measuring myself by someone else’s ideas of success–not my own. So… I let it all go. That was the best decision I’ve made in my entire life! I started filling the void with what was missing–ME!
Some people learn a certain skill and apply it and make a career out of it. Me? I’m an artist, an actor, a writer, a singer, a producer, a make up artist…we could go on–but, let’s not. Let’s just say, I’m a story teller and I use any medium available to me. What I do is sacred. Did you know that? Art is divinity personified. What is more miraculous than creation, huh? There was nothing, and now…there’s….whatever you’ve created. And, the best part of what I do is…It’s mine to share. It cannot be taken, stolen or defined by anyone else. I may never be a superstar–thing is, I never wanted to be. I wanted to be good at whatever I do. My work ethic has always been–if my name is on it–it’s on point! I don’t know how to half-ass anything.
My idea of art has changed drastically too. For me, everything is art. From the way I cook, to the way I dress, apply makeup, and decorate my home. I’m creating–it’s art. It’s sacred, I treat it as such. Knowing that creating isn’t what I do, but, who I am–drastically changed my point of view of life. Acting, though my love, my passion–isn’t as gorgeous to me if the show I’m in SUCKS! So… I realized, I’d have to own my show, or at least be the mastermind that puts it together. In other words…Produce. The current show, is a store named Hot Pies & Tarts, LLC. From there, I fully expect that all of my other talents will be reflected and expressed. I won’t spoil it for you, just know–it’s all coming. And, now that I spend more time meditating than running, I understand how all the pieces work together. Thing is, I’ve always had everything I’ve needed to do what I do–even the approval and acceptance, I’d been looking for outside of me. I said once before that I love puzzles, and watching the pieces of my life fall into place is probably more exciting than the picture being revealed.
Mind you, I still get anxious every once in a while, and I look at my running shoes and wonder if I should put them on again. Problem is: they don’t fit anymore! LOL So, um…nah…I’ll just go with what’s been working–shutting up, breathing and listening. And, what’s interesting is, that not running hasn’t made me any less ambitious, creative or passionate. If anything, it’s done the complete opposite, because now, the pay off is exactly what I needed–not wanted! I’m beyond happy all the time. I’m so free-spirited to the point where I used to hear “more” and now people say I’m “too much!” LOL And, I disagree. There’s no such thing as too much Monica! There’s only too little everyone else! ; )
Love Peace Happiness N One,