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Sunday without the sun…what’s that all about? It’s raining here in the soggy apple, but, eh, it’s all good– I actually like rain. Some days, I’m so un-girly that I go out in the rain, rocking the hoodie and the cargos–in fact, I probably look like a boy– actually, sometimes I am, in personality, I mean. So yeah, just did the grocery shopping in the rain, and later on will be the laundry, which, I just started doing myself again recently.
Sundays at the lilypad is the day of reflection. And, today, I just needed to get rid of some sour grapes I’ve been keeping. The way I get angry varies, because most times, it comes on very slow and quietly, like a storm at sea. And, then the next thing you know the storm has taken over the sea. There were many moments like that this week. So, finally, I decided it was best to express my displeasure to the person who provoked me in the first place. And, I cannot say I care what the end result will be. My hope for that situation has become so small that it barely requires mentioning. Though I’m a warrior-spirit, I cannot fight just for the sake of fighting. It’s stupid. Warriors fight for things like honor, truth and integrity. And, that’s me. Sometimes, I’ll just be zen/feminine about my efforts, meaning, I’ll just let you win, even if some people’s version of winning looks like a natural disaster.
I’ve said it a million times how blessed I am with the amazing souls I know and who know me. And, everyday that I live on this planet and see the saddness experienced by people who don’t even have true “friends” or real “love”, I think, “I’m so good to myself, that I gifted myself with these people.” Mind you–I am involved with a lot of things, that some would find impressive, and I can and do make some unbelievable things happen. I think big, I dream big and I pull a lot of big things off. But, honestly, those are just reflections of who I am. And, I don’t talk about the things I do, I don’t expect anyone to be impressed with my accomplishments–I’d rather they be impressed by who I am, not the things I can do.
My friends and family, they are amazing in the way they take care of me. They are amazingly generous with their time, their energy, their patience with me. And, that’s the stuff that matters. Professionally, the jobs, the accomplishments…that stuff varies, I have friends who’ve been on tv, who are lawyers, teachers, writers, directors, photographers…etc. And, you know what? All that is cool, but, it doesn’t matter. It’s quite sad when you have to decide whether or not someone should be in your life based on their career accomplishments. Really shows how shallow people can be.
You know what I dig about my friends? That they are awesome parents, that they are totally willing to go to war for me–that they are honest with me no matter what! And, most of all…they are walking their talk.Not one of my friends will claim to be perfect, on point, or a know-it-all. I love that about them and me. We aren’t gonna judge anyone in their life choices, we just may not be able to hang with  someone moving in the opposite direction–and that is cool. Here’s the thing I cherish the most: When one of my peeps gives me their word–that shit is DONE! I don’t have to worry about it, think on it–its golden. This is my normal, and yet other people haven’t the foggiest as to what I’m talking about. And, honestly, I don’t want anyone in my life that cannot give their best, because I always will. I don’t know any other way. I suppose that makes me difficult to some, but… I don’t care.
It been really hard to accept that some people, no matter how much you love them, and do right by them–they aren’t going to be in your life in the long-run. They are going to fall by the waist-side for one reason or another and no, your friendship, or feelings don’t give them pause in their behavior, or actions. Some people are going to choose to half-ass their lives, not give effort to the things they aren’t good at, and if that means losing you–so be it. And, I’ve been accepting that fact regarding at least four people lately–probably more, but, I don’t like thinking on it too much…it hurts. I don’t invite people into my life lightly. Even though I blog here a lot, and I talk most of the time… I’m actually pretty private, my circle is extremely tight, and I’m kinda hard to get to know. So, when I let people in, I know exactly what I’m doing, and I’m pretty upfront with the fact that respect, honesty and effort aren’t options.
A friend of mine told me once that a person she had to let go of said to her that while they admired her ability to live a free-spirited, honorable life, where she makes the rules–they, themselves couldn’t do it. Needless to say, she’s one of my closest friends. And, that person missed out on a diamond of a woman. I feel for you, dude, because that one is gonna hurt for a lifetime. And, I feel for all those that figure out who I am, what I am about, and my contributions way too late. My girl is one of a few diamond and platnium people I know, and I just don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want these people watching their backs. I don’t know, maybe its fear, pride, insecurity, or whatever… But, if we’re all pursuing happiness, shouldn’t we bust a move to get over our “issues” so we can live a full life? I don’t know the answers for anyone but me. I truly don’t.
I know that I want my life and my life has love at its center. I do things I love, I’m with those I love, I put effort into the things and relationships I love. If its not about loving the experience, chances are, I’m not doing it! The only obligation we truly have in life is to ourselves. And, Monica wants to have a good time, she wants to grow, she wants to leave no leaf unturned, no thing untried, and absolutely no regrets! So far, so good! Is this easy??? Yeah… WITH A LOT OF PRACTICE!
Love Peace Happiness N One,
SunDeevah